Saturday, August 31, 2013
Nothing.
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It is 6.14 in the morning as I am typing this right now.
You think, that after all that you have been through, it is just a tiny phase, just like the passing clouds in the sky, you see it everyday, but it is easily forgotten.
Scientists believe that it takes 14 days to adapt to a new habit.
Somehow, after so long, you find yourself isolated in this environment, no one knows what you have been through, what you have been taught. You keep telling yourself, that it is okay, after all..
you need to fucking move on.
But why, do you find yourself fighting with your feelings, wishing someone would understand every single part of you, and every single thing you know?
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"If only you know what I know."
Recently, I have been mumbling these words every now and then to you.
I really hope you do know the pain and desperation inside, to tell you about the forbidden. Then again, it is better to leave you in the way you have been all this while.
On the piano, the white keys are always in between the two black keys. There is a huge gap but things are still moving in a melodious pace.
But sometimes, gaps don't do as much good to us.
Everyday has been a battle between clarity and dreams. In the end you find yourself asking, why the hell am I here?
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You know the consequences of exposing the unspeakable but the urges of pouring out grows every single day, all for the selfish desires of seeking true love. You know it really damn well.
Sometimes knowledge can also be an eternal curse, those which you must leave untold till your very last breath..
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Saturday, August 10, 2013
..I don't know where should I start this.
Cow, if you're reading this, this contains some of the actual incidents which I never told you about.
We moved on fast after officially announcing that we broke up, or even far before that. You have her, and I have someone else.
Here's a bit of details of my new beau. He's 23, yeap, a 5 year old age gap. (shit?) He came to my workplace on my 3rd day working at Lowyat and politely for my number. I had people asking for my number every single day but I didn't turn him down cause he seemed like the most decent guy who works here whaaaat. Afterall, considering what kind of a person I am, I gave him (and myself) 2 weeks before he decides it's better to leave us as the way we were like anyone else.
Things really didn't go according to the cycle. I went to his workplace at least few times a day when we were both bored and chat/talk crap. Strange enough, we poured out intimate things you don't share to people you just met. You see, he got into a motor accident years ago and lost most of the functions of his left arm, which is now the same size as mine. Really didn't notice till he actually pointed the difference.
5 days after knowing each other we went out together. Although things were plain (sometimes even went down to dull) , it somehow ended out with both of us confessing our liking towards each other on the way back home. The next thing I knew is we started holding hands 2 days later when I had lunch with him after another job got called off.
After 1 month of critical thinking and consideration I decided to give it a go, seeing that you were with Sonia again. Somehow I think that she is a better lover than I am-- she knows how to comfort you and shower you love the way you wanted and most importantly she stayed by your side even though you were unavailable... For 2 years.
He's not as wealthy as anyone I have dated but he's just one normal person who I think I can rely on to explore what a normal life can and should be.
Afterall, what I posess will actually last with me? Hah...
Surely everything came naturally but up till today I am terrified about everything. We both know, that our lives are rather different than others, especially our peers. Despite his efforts on understanding me in a remarkable speed there are still things which I think are meant to be caged in my chest until I die. Sometimes I really dont know if knowing the unknown with you is a blessing or an eternal curse. Ever since September last year the bubble between me and everyone else is still there but it didn't matter because you also knew what I know. But now that you're gone I feel logically I really can't go back to being normal no matter how hard I try. Besides you, no one could ever understand me in full. The gap between me and everyone else is just like the black and white piano keys, melodious when played together but forever apart.
Cow, believe me, leaving everything behind is the very last thing on my mind. I really thought that we could just forgive, forget and move on. I really thought your agressiveness and harshness is just a phase i can go by. Who knows, that tolerance is one of the many, many ways to repay your huge sacrifices for us. But as time passes by I slowly lose hope and faith every day, every hour, and every second within the last few months. I do admit, that I've played a role in this mess. My mind, my heart and soul are very clear that should we really called it quits there goes my happiness in the future forever. But like i said a million times, one hand can't clap.... yes, I could be a weak ass but it's really soul wrecking to put yourself to blame completely for a long period of time..
Till today I am trying very hard not to think whether staying with you or the current situation would be the better choice. What's done has been done, it can't be erased, scars are left behind. I also know that if one day I start to regret, it will be until the end of this life and I'm fully responsible and totally deserve the eternal bitterness and pain, which is why I wish to keep the ring because at least I would still have something of ours I could hold on to. Right now, I guess that the love we can give each other is to wish each other well, and see if being without one another is really the best or the worst. Only time could tell.
Cow, if you're reading this, this contains some of the actual incidents which I never told you about.
We moved on fast after officially announcing that we broke up, or even far before that. You have her, and I have someone else.
Here's a bit of details of my new beau. He's 23, yeap, a 5 year old age gap. (shit?) He came to my workplace on my 3rd day working at Lowyat and politely for my number. I had people asking for my number every single day but I didn't turn him down cause he seemed like the most decent guy who works here whaaaat. Afterall, considering what kind of a person I am, I gave him (and myself) 2 weeks before he decides it's better to leave us as the way we were like anyone else.
Things really didn't go according to the cycle. I went to his workplace at least few times a day when we were both bored and chat/talk crap. Strange enough, we poured out intimate things you don't share to people you just met. You see, he got into a motor accident years ago and lost most of the functions of his left arm, which is now the same size as mine. Really didn't notice till he actually pointed the difference.
5 days after knowing each other we went out together. Although things were plain (sometimes even went down to dull) , it somehow ended out with both of us confessing our liking towards each other on the way back home. The next thing I knew is we started holding hands 2 days later when I had lunch with him after another job got called off.
After 1 month of critical thinking and consideration I decided to give it a go, seeing that you were with Sonia again. Somehow I think that she is a better lover than I am-- she knows how to comfort you and shower you love the way you wanted and most importantly she stayed by your side even though you were unavailable... For 2 years.
He's not as wealthy as anyone I have dated but he's just one normal person who I think I can rely on to explore what a normal life can and should be.
Afterall, what I posess will actually last with me? Hah...
Surely everything came naturally but up till today I am terrified about everything. We both know, that our lives are rather different than others, especially our peers. Despite his efforts on understanding me in a remarkable speed there are still things which I think are meant to be caged in my chest until I die. Sometimes I really dont know if knowing the unknown with you is a blessing or an eternal curse. Ever since September last year the bubble between me and everyone else is still there but it didn't matter because you also knew what I know. But now that you're gone I feel logically I really can't go back to being normal no matter how hard I try. Besides you, no one could ever understand me in full. The gap between me and everyone else is just like the black and white piano keys, melodious when played together but forever apart.
Cow, believe me, leaving everything behind is the very last thing on my mind. I really thought that we could just forgive, forget and move on. I really thought your agressiveness and harshness is just a phase i can go by. Who knows, that tolerance is one of the many, many ways to repay your huge sacrifices for us. But as time passes by I slowly lose hope and faith every day, every hour, and every second within the last few months. I do admit, that I've played a role in this mess. My mind, my heart and soul are very clear that should we really called it quits there goes my happiness in the future forever. But like i said a million times, one hand can't clap.... yes, I could be a weak ass but it's really soul wrecking to put yourself to blame completely for a long period of time..
Till today I am trying very hard not to think whether staying with you or the current situation would be the better choice. What's done has been done, it can't be erased, scars are left behind. I also know that if one day I start to regret, it will be until the end of this life and I'm fully responsible and totally deserve the eternal bitterness and pain, which is why I wish to keep the ring because at least I would still have something of ours I could hold on to. Right now, I guess that the love we can give each other is to wish each other well, and see if being without one another is really the best or the worst. Only time could tell.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The gap
Yeap, 3 months since I have posted.
Whether it is a short of a long period of time definitely depends on how one sees it. But one thing for sure, many could happen in such a time frame.
I wasn't at home for 3 days (and also experienced my first night out with friends till the wee hours, nothing to brag about I know but it feels as if I had sex for the first time -__- ) Came back home yesterday, had quite a number of things in my head and remembered about this poor little space which I used to ramble and ramble and ramble things no one wants to/can hear :p
So here are some main updates on my life I wish to jot down.... continue scrolling at your pleasure.
For the past 3 months have been doing freelance jobs... mostly promoters haha. My first one was not quite a good experience, got fired on that day itself because one of the bosses mistakenly hired flyer girls to promote their beverages -____- But on the bright side? Met a couple of friends whom I still contact until today.
I can still remember one of the most torturing days of my life two days after working for this fair. Trust me, joint infection falls in the catagory of the 100000 things you should never experience in this life.
Straight after I recovered I worked at the PC fair with a close friend of mine, Gary selling Dell laptops. Had completely zero sales on the first two days but offended a few staff on the last day because I sold 2 Alienware laptops on that day. Overall, still managed to get along with everyone. Boss was pleasant to work with too.
Cute guy y u no wanna talk to me T______T too cocky for a girl like me perhaps?
Few weeks later got this job at Lowyat-- the most popular one stop IT centre in town which I have been to twice in my entire life as a promoter for some stupid cash back program. Fucking loved my first week, no one supervised me and my other colleague, we were the boss for ourselves. My colleague went to a rally on Saturday, disappeared for 4 hours and no one knew. (Y)
Also learnt the another meaning of the word snake because many people started to call me queen of snakes. HAHA. FYI: when people there said you have been snaking, that means you are slacking off at work. LOL. At that week I really felt as if my employer is only paying me to have fun wtf.
Conclusion? Boys there are pretty freaking despo. It is really mind blowing to think back on that week I will have someone asking for my number every single day -___- I hate what I attract sometimes. Argh
I did continue the job for another 2 weeks which has been really dull overall. Got fired on my last week, 3 days before the project is over haha. Seriously too lazy to do anything. -__-
But just before getting fired, got a job offer from Dell hahaha so I wasn't that unhappy, infact, I was so glad I finally could get a couple days off to chill and shop. :P
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Decide to only start college next year because by then I can apply study loans myself without needing to care of what people say. Problem solved.
At the same time, I will also earn some cash, hopefully to have some allowance for my studies. After all, I really have no idea what on earth should I study.
Gosh, if I am a boy, I wouldn't bother and quit studying. -sigh-
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We broke up. Simple as that.
I didn't see it coming. I thought this could be the one last time where I have to readapt to someone. There's no right or wrong to this. Yes, I know that my decision could possibly screw up my love life and take away the chance of starting a family in the future (if I actually wish for one) but sometimes you can't always stay on your logical side. I do owe you many things, I do thank you for every single sacrifice you have made to make us stay together but somethings are just beyond tolerable to me. The little things that happened for the past few months has slowly hurt me more from just emotionally to both emotionally and spiritually. You might see this as whole loads of fucking bullshit, thinking that this is some kind of ridiculous excuse I use to protect myself but no. For the last few months my heart was slowly dying off. I kept my head in the game, but my heart wandered off.
All I can tell myself is who knows, one day, if we are really meant to be as told, we will unite someday.
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There's more to my love life (considers? heh) but I decide to separate into a more casual post. Till then.
Thanks to anyone who is still reading this page too despite the hiatus, I really love you all. <3
Whether it is a short of a long period of time definitely depends on how one sees it. But one thing for sure, many could happen in such a time frame.
I wasn't at home for 3 days (and also experienced my first night out with friends till the wee hours, nothing to brag about I know but it feels as if I had sex for the first time -__- ) Came back home yesterday, had quite a number of things in my head and remembered about this poor little space which I used to ramble and ramble and ramble things no one wants to/can hear :p
So here are some main updates on my life I wish to jot down.... continue scrolling at your pleasure.
For the past 3 months have been doing freelance jobs... mostly promoters haha. My first one was not quite a good experience, got fired on that day itself because one of the bosses mistakenly hired flyer girls to promote their beverages -____- But on the bright side? Met a couple of friends whom I still contact until today.
 |
| souvenir from the fair. HAHA. |
Straight after I recovered I worked at the PC fair with a close friend of mine, Gary selling Dell laptops. Had completely zero sales on the first two days but offended a few staff on the last day because I sold 2 Alienware laptops on that day. Overall, still managed to get along with everyone. Boss was pleasant to work with too.
Cute guy y u no wanna talk to me T______T too cocky for a girl like me perhaps?
Few weeks later got this job at Lowyat-- the most popular one stop IT centre in town which I have been to twice in my entire life as a promoter for some stupid cash back program. Fucking loved my first week, no one supervised me and my other colleague, we were the boss for ourselves. My colleague went to a rally on Saturday, disappeared for 4 hours and no one knew. (Y)
Also learnt the another meaning of the word snake because many people started to call me queen of snakes. HAHA. FYI: when people there said you have been snaking, that means you are slacking off at work. LOL. At that week I really felt as if my employer is only paying me to have fun wtf.
Conclusion? Boys there are pretty freaking despo. It is really mind blowing to think back on that week I will have someone asking for my number every single day -___- I hate what I attract sometimes. Argh
I did continue the job for another 2 weeks which has been really dull overall. Got fired on my last week, 3 days before the project is over haha. Seriously too lazy to do anything. -__-
But just before getting fired, got a job offer from Dell hahaha so I wasn't that unhappy, infact, I was so glad I finally could get a couple days off to chill and shop. :P
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Decide to only start college next year because by then I can apply study loans myself without needing to care of what people say. Problem solved.
At the same time, I will also earn some cash, hopefully to have some allowance for my studies. After all, I really have no idea what on earth should I study.
Gosh, if I am a boy, I wouldn't bother and quit studying. -sigh-
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We broke up. Simple as that.
I didn't see it coming. I thought this could be the one last time where I have to readapt to someone. There's no right or wrong to this. Yes, I know that my decision could possibly screw up my love life and take away the chance of starting a family in the future (if I actually wish for one) but sometimes you can't always stay on your logical side. I do owe you many things, I do thank you for every single sacrifice you have made to make us stay together but somethings are just beyond tolerable to me. The little things that happened for the past few months has slowly hurt me more from just emotionally to both emotionally and spiritually. You might see this as whole loads of fucking bullshit, thinking that this is some kind of ridiculous excuse I use to protect myself but no. For the last few months my heart was slowly dying off. I kept my head in the game, but my heart wandered off.
All I can tell myself is who knows, one day, if we are really meant to be as told, we will unite someday.
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There's more to my love life (considers? heh) but I decide to separate into a more casual post. Till then.
Thanks to anyone who is still reading this page too despite the hiatus, I really love you all. <3
Saturday, April 13, 2013
babysteps.
Once again I have abandoned this blog till the state that I think apologizing has became completely meaningless. Is like those abusive husbands who always send their beaten wives flowers but in the end the hitting happens all over again. Haha. It's not that my life is so dull till eating and sleeping are part of the highlight of the day but on the other hand, my time has became pretty occupied as..
I started working.
Money is running alarmingly low, I am close to bankruptcy T___T
Also need to prepare some funds for studies. It would be great if I can start studying this year. Must take measures to reach the miss independent title. Heee.
Currently I am a high speed internet broadband (Unifi) service agent. I have applied many other jobs, such as a tutor, model (ikr) and a shopping assistant. The wee bit unusual jobs replied, I didn't get any offer for promoter. Strange eh. And of course, being a anti make-up midget I did not get any offers to be a showgirl/whatever pretty. Don't know why many friends asked me to consider applying wtf. But yeah have to admit the pay is quite good.
Erm basically I am only earning from the commission I get from my customers. I didn't choose the basic pay because of the time, flexibility and transport issues. Also, personally I think is easier to go to potential customers or even create potential customers instead of waiting for them to come to the booth.
Bits of some interesting moments/places/anything I would like to jot down in this past few days. Credits to Nokia Lumia 710 for the crappy photos.
10/4:
Went to KL Central initially only to take some documents from my (potential) leader Jason. His partner Kira came along later and asked me to test for a few hours before heading home. Kira actually always have extra shirts in her bag ready for anyone lol so she gave me the company shirt and I put it on to see myself...
looking like a orange baboon/inmate.
First destination: Publika
To have lunch and chill.
Had a 10 mins walk to Solaris, Mount Kiara. Watched them dealing with their customers and RIGHT before I decided to go home it started raining heavily wtf. Got stuck in a terrible jam as the roads near Titiwangsa was flooded -__- But gladly managed to make use of the time to talk to Jason about random things like past and current relationships ahaha.
Found a Hello Kitty touch and go card near Titiwangsa station :3 This shall be my official card now. Muahahaha.
11/4:
First official day of work!
Venue: Central Market/Chinatown aka Petaling Street
My touch and go has insufficient credit but I tried the kitty card and found out the actual owner has topped up 30 bucks in it. Feel ultra bad for her!
This was the first inn/homestay we went to ask. It looks (and smells) like a freaking zoo. Heard that the owner is Sabahan and he loves the nature so therefore flower vines everywhere, and he also kept 3 guinea pigs, 2 snakes and the two... sea turtles (???) you can see at the pic above. Quite cramp but one unique place to stay haha. Boss is considering upgrading to Unifi but he needs more time to consider.
Kira had some things to do for her car purchase so left Jason and I wondering around streets going hotel by hotel, bars to bars. Awkward encounter: While Jason was convincing the manager at one of the hotels we went I saw a girl dashed out the hotel in ONLY a white shirt. Doesn't look like she was wearing pants cause I saw pink and lace wtf? O_O 10 mins later a guy with blonde mullet came out and paid the fees and so happen we were almost done at that time and when we went downstairs saw the girl was wearing her pinafore as she ran with her mullet head bf. Girl doesn't look any older than 15 so Jason couldn't control and bursted out laughing at her @__@
Ah, kids this days. Haha.
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This is by far the prettiest, modern, classiest hotel I have seen in Petaling Street. The hotel is a family business within a father, 2 sons and a daughter in law.
12/4:
Went to Petaling Street for a short while to get the documents from the hotel I got my first customer and to get confirmation from a home stay nearby.
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13/4:
Wanted to meet a customer at an office in Times Square with Jason and Kira before they head to Genting for a business talk but sadly he wasn't there. (He told Kira we can come anytime, even on weekends) -___-
PC fair was going on so went to meet Gary who is working for Dell. Plus, I have not seen for almost a year!
Gary's manager wanted him to go for lunch "a bit later" so I made use of the time sending my ring to Swarovski for service and went to a couple of intimidating branded boutiques (even went into the Chanel store lol ) to make myself as a exercise to reduce the social awkardness -____-
After visiting Prada, Balenciaga, Chanel, Gucci, Ferragamo and other boutiques I don't remember getting brain freezed in Gary was finally set free. Haha
Lunch on him. Hehe.
17/4:
A "customer" called and told me he will pay me 150 bucks to fuck him. WHAT?????
Weirdest feeling I've ever had-- felt like laughing but cursed his upper and even future generations at the same time too wtf?
Okay that sums up few days of work. I have more updates but reaaally cbf getting my photos from skydrive. Can't wait for PAY DAAAAYYYYYY. Gary has already warned me countlessly not to splurge until I manage to get my PTPTN loan. HAHA.
OK OFF I GO BATH NOW. HOPEFULLY. FUCKING COCKROACH HIDING IN MY TOILET FOR THE WHOLE DAY FUCK MY LIFE
I started working.
Money is running alarmingly low, I am close to bankruptcy T___T
Also need to prepare some funds for studies. It would be great if I can start studying this year. Must take measures to reach the miss independent title. Heee.
Currently I am a high speed internet broadband (Unifi) service agent. I have applied many other jobs, such as a tutor, model (ikr) and a shopping assistant. The wee bit unusual jobs replied, I didn't get any offer for promoter. Strange eh. And of course, being a anti make-up midget I did not get any offers to be a showgirl/whatever pretty. Don't know why many friends asked me to consider applying wtf. But yeah have to admit the pay is quite good.
Erm basically I am only earning from the commission I get from my customers. I didn't choose the basic pay because of the time, flexibility and transport issues. Also, personally I think is easier to go to potential customers or even create potential customers instead of waiting for them to come to the booth.
Bits of some interesting moments/places/anything I would like to jot down in this past few days. Credits to Nokia Lumia 710 for the crappy photos.
10/4:
Went to KL Central initially only to take some documents from my (potential) leader Jason. His partner Kira came along later and asked me to test for a few hours before heading home. Kira actually always have extra shirts in her bag ready for anyone lol so she gave me the company shirt and I put it on to see myself...
looking like a orange baboon/inmate.
First destination: Publika
Had a 10 mins walk to Solaris, Mount Kiara. Watched them dealing with their customers and RIGHT before I decided to go home it started raining heavily wtf. Got stuck in a terrible jam as the roads near Titiwangsa was flooded -__- But gladly managed to make use of the time to talk to Jason about random things like past and current relationships ahaha.
Found a Hello Kitty touch and go card near Titiwangsa station :3 This shall be my official card now. Muahahaha.
11/4:
First official day of work!
Venue: Central Market/Chinatown aka Petaling Street
My touch and go has insufficient credit but I tried the kitty card and found out the actual owner has topped up 30 bucks in it. Feel ultra bad for her!
Kira had some things to do for her car purchase so left Jason and I wondering around streets going hotel by hotel, bars to bars. Awkward encounter: While Jason was convincing the manager at one of the hotels we went I saw a girl dashed out the hotel in ONLY a white shirt. Doesn't look like she was wearing pants cause I saw pink and lace wtf? O_O 10 mins later a guy with blonde mullet came out and paid the fees and so happen we were almost done at that time and when we went downstairs saw the girl was wearing her pinafore as she ran with her mullet head bf. Girl doesn't look any older than 15 so Jason couldn't control and bursted out laughing at her @__@
Ah, kids this days. Haha.
.jpg)
12/4:
Went to Petaling Street for a short while to get the documents from the hotel I got my first customer and to get confirmation from a home stay nearby.
.jpg)
13/4:
Wanted to meet a customer at an office in Times Square with Jason and Kira before they head to Genting for a business talk but sadly he wasn't there. (He told Kira we can come anytime, even on weekends) -___-
PC fair was going on so went to meet Gary who is working for Dell. Plus, I have not seen for almost a year!
Gary's manager wanted him to go for lunch "a bit later" so I made use of the time sending my ring to Swarovski for service and went to a couple of intimidating branded boutiques (even went into the Chanel store lol ) to make myself as a exercise to reduce the social awkardness -____-
After visiting Prada, Balenciaga, Chanel, Gucci, Ferragamo and other boutiques I don't remember getting brain freezed in Gary was finally set free. Haha
Lunch on him. Hehe.
17/4:
A "customer" called and told me he will pay me 150 bucks to fuck him. WHAT?????
Weirdest feeling I've ever had-- felt like laughing but cursed his upper and even future generations at the same time too wtf?
Okay that sums up few days of work. I have more updates but reaaally cbf getting my photos from skydrive. Can't wait for PAY DAAAAYYYYYY. Gary has already warned me countlessly not to splurge until I manage to get my PTPTN loan. HAHA.
OK OFF I GO BATH NOW. HOPEFULLY. FUCKING COCKROACH HIDING IN MY TOILET FOR THE WHOLE DAY FUCK MY LIFE
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Turning tables
Why do I keep neglecting this blog lately -__- I also have been abandoning Maple Story for almost a month wtf ahah
Timeline recently, it shall be.
24/3: Was cow's birthday, also his last day being in KL. Momma tagged along for a threesome LOLOLOL HAHAHA. Had horrible lunch at Shabu station @ TS. I have noticed the place has been there for many many years so I assume it should be okay as they can survive for so long? O_O Turns out this is an ideal place to find exotic soup with housefly legs inside. ^^ After my first and definitely my last visit I am not sure if they are just lucky or we were the unlucky ones. Watched Warm Bodies. Still think Twilight is better. No? ._.
25/3: Went to Taylors lakeside campus with momma, SY and their moms. Tagged along because simply bored, and it isn't good to start the first day of long distance relationship staying at home. Changed my outfit 4 times in the morning because it is really intimating to dress up bad to Taylors where you see LV speedys, Mulberry and Prada everywhere. (Bayswater!!! >.< ) In the end I didn't wanna give a fuck and ended up in singlet and shorts -_- Afterall, I don't plan to study there. Just helping out if they are lost.
And they were really kinda lost hahaha. Didn't know what to do, waited dumbly for 20 mins without realizing that it is necessary to register yourself at the computer to meet a counselor. Both of my lovelies have forgotten how to write a form <--- clear that it has been a really long time since they picked up a pen as they actually forgot meaning of words like race, permanent address, nationality, formal education etc.
Momma having problems because her mom seems more convinced to only let her continue to diploma at this competitive market, where most companies don't just want a diploma, only because she doesn't think that her daughter will be able to handle foundations. Oh well. At least they have the money to pay. @@ Went to momma's house later for hours of empty, purposeless talks lol.
27/3: Today supposed to be cow's first day of class but he overslept wtf. But I am kind of thankful because if he starts today I don't get to wish/motivate him like a mother with a child on the first day AHAH. Has been long since I topped up my phone credit @@
Went to HUKM for tests + health check for national service. Idiot me mistaken the wrong date, tests should be on the 27th NEXT month -_- -facepalm- Tried to make the appointment earlier. It didn't matter, thinking that I can do the full body checkup for NS there but turns out that I can only do it in government clinics because HUKM is semi private. Uncle took me to the clinic but seems like need mom's signature before entering and he doesn't want me to sign myself so... okay then.
Government servants, really? Seems like there is no system for anyone to stick to, everyone makes up their own rules -__- I called the NS office to double confirm if I can go to HUKM and the woman said yes! Ugh -_-
Malaysia boleh.
My beloved senseless family seems to think that ANY type of arthritis/rheumatic disease is as light as a... common cold or some fuck.
My brain died a little after hearing my uncle saying that any idiot could tell that I am perfectly healthy just by looking at me, since I can walk.
Unfortunately, I don't have JOINT PAIN MOTHERFUCKERS WHY DONT YOU HAVE IT written on my forehead. So.. sorry that I love my privacy and refuse to let you read me. :(
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By now you should have noticed that I actually mentioned doing something to my NS documents.
Some day between the missing dates, I found out that if I go to NS = I can go to college. Sounds like a good deal?
Timeline recently, it shall be.
24/3: Was cow's birthday, also his last day being in KL. Momma tagged along for a threesome LOLOLOL HAHAHA. Had horrible lunch at Shabu station @ TS. I have noticed the place has been there for many many years so I assume it should be okay as they can survive for so long? O_O Turns out this is an ideal place to find exotic soup with housefly legs inside. ^^ After my first and definitely my last visit I am not sure if they are just lucky or we were the unlucky ones. Watched Warm Bodies. Still think Twilight is better. No? ._.
25/3: Went to Taylors lakeside campus with momma, SY and their moms. Tagged along because simply bored, and it isn't good to start the first day of long distance relationship staying at home. Changed my outfit 4 times in the morning because it is really intimating to dress up bad to Taylors where you see LV speedys, Mulberry and Prada everywhere. (Bayswater!!! >.< ) In the end I didn't wanna give a fuck and ended up in singlet and shorts -_- Afterall, I don't plan to study there. Just helping out if they are lost.
And they were really kinda lost hahaha. Didn't know what to do, waited dumbly for 20 mins without realizing that it is necessary to register yourself at the computer to meet a counselor. Both of my lovelies have forgotten how to write a form <--- clear that it has been a really long time since they picked up a pen as they actually forgot meaning of words like race, permanent address, nationality, formal education etc.
Momma having problems because her mom seems more convinced to only let her continue to diploma at this competitive market, where most companies don't just want a diploma, only because she doesn't think that her daughter will be able to handle foundations. Oh well. At least they have the money to pay. @@ Went to momma's house later for hours of empty, purposeless talks lol.
27/3: Today supposed to be cow's first day of class but he overslept wtf. But I am kind of thankful because if he starts today I don't get to wish/motivate him like a mother with a child on the first day AHAH. Has been long since I topped up my phone credit @@
Went to HUKM for tests + health check for national service. Idiot me mistaken the wrong date, tests should be on the 27th NEXT month -_- -facepalm- Tried to make the appointment earlier. It didn't matter, thinking that I can do the full body checkup for NS there but turns out that I can only do it in government clinics because HUKM is semi private. Uncle took me to the clinic but seems like need mom's signature before entering and he doesn't want me to sign myself so... okay then.
Government servants, really? Seems like there is no system for anyone to stick to, everyone makes up their own rules -__- I called the NS office to double confirm if I can go to HUKM and the woman said yes! Ugh -_-
Malaysia boleh.
My beloved senseless family seems to think that ANY type of arthritis/rheumatic disease is as light as a... common cold or some fuck.
My brain died a little after hearing my uncle saying that any idiot could tell that I am perfectly healthy just by looking at me, since I can walk.
Unfortunately, I don't have JOINT PAIN MOTHERFUCKERS WHY DONT YOU HAVE IT written on my forehead. So.. sorry that I love my privacy and refuse to let you read me. :(
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By now you should have noticed that I actually mentioned doing something to my NS documents.
Some day between the missing dates, I found out that if I go to NS = I can go to college. Sounds like a good deal?
I do feel skeptical because if she bails out I am fucking screwed.
What is my choice? You will find out soon.
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28/3: Cow's first day of college.
Mom sent me to this government clinic at 10am. After doing a "eye test" which I only need to say out the LARGEST word without my glasses and handed in my urine test, I got neglected for 3 hours, waiting there like a fool.
15 minutes before the clinic closes I was still there waiting wtf. Mom and cat was surprised and decided to wait with me.
Then mom wanted to see the doctor too.
SHIT. I thought.
But I was wrong. HAHAAH. The doctor said is a standard procedure to delay trainees who are pending for diagnosis because there are no specialists in the camp incase shit happens.
Mom kept screaming at the doc to put "layak" claiming that she could take me home for tests and diagnosis.
The doc even asked her to chill because I seem to look less concerned than her even though if I am going wtf.
The nurses also asked mom to calm down because people do get away with it. LOL. Why people are siding me instead?
Truthfully, I don't expect that because to many officers even heart disease is nothing to them and will still force the poor kid to go.
Personally I do think that the doctor is quite reasonable, unlike the other government workers who do things only to their liking. She did specify that I can always delay whenever the letter is sent to my house, be it any reason: college/illness. Maybe because of her age I think. (she looks like in her mid 20s - early 30s) The new generation will definitely have something different to say to the previous one.
But my mom thinks that the malays will never see the importance of continuing their studies because the government will always have opportunities for them and therefore apply it to other races they handle.
She also thinks that the doc thought that she is forcing me to go. You don't say? Ironic.
Mom wanted to use the previous letter from the idiot doc from my first appointment in HUKM but turns out also ticked delay HAHAHA.
So what are her other plans? Possible that she will just give up like this? Hmmmm
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Ba tum tssss.
Yesterday was SPM result release day.
To be frank I didn't have a thought about it, I have no feelings for it. The only time I actually absorbed knowledge is during those last minute book flipping (I don't even call it revision) and during tuition lessons. I played hard, the hardest in my life. Trying to create a perfect ending for once, in my final chapter of school life.
My classmates, friends and I were the craziest kids in school-- We are no hippies, is just that the rest of the population in school are magnificently .. dull. Skipped half of sports day chilling in my house, and slowly walked to the stadium. Smuggled alcohol during school trip. During Cherating trip we woke up at 5am to jog and ran back to the hotel frantically because of one thunder storm. Skipped class and have studying sessions at momma's house but in the end spent most of the time throwing sticks and riding the swing. Brought my camera almost everyday to take pictures of the most random moments. A few pictures for my own nostalgia moments:
Jas was my favourite adventure buddy-- Skip tuition together for the tinniest reasons we wouldn't be proud of mentioning: huge desires to watch certain movies, hungry or just tired, even bored. Trespassed MBS every Thursday before going for economy tuition for heavenly cakes at the church located in the school. Also trespassed SAB for cow's school concert.... and many many more! I still vividly remember we skipped tuition to watch The Vow with cow and she laughed for at least half an hour straight after the moment she took her eyes on cow. Her fucking laughter is exteremely contagious so pathetically we walked around TS laughing until the movie started. -__- At times we forget the time and have rush hour moments to rush to the train station on time yadiyadada.
We planned the weirdest things-- like when Walter actually planned to go to the airport one day after school just for lunch and fun. Or when all of us planned to splash metalic paint in the school toilet after the toilet explosion incident during the school concert. It is kinda sad that it didn't work out for some reason because that would be really freaking stupidly awesome.
Conclusion: I didn't care about my grades as long as I pass them. English is an exception of course, MUST get A haha because that was my best subject -__- I cared more about the happy memories which nothing could replace of. Sure they might leave my life someday, but at least I had happy thoughts about my school life. Those memories make me feel more alive, because I feel myself living in every second of life. I wanna tell amazing stories to my grand kids someday HAAHAHA. -__-
Soooooooooooo seeing that I only put efforts in my maths I don't expect anything astonishing.
SY fetched momma and I to school. We were early but had some fun while waiting in the car as the stupid school decides to delay announcing the results.
Momma meeting her black momma, Hima after 3 months, as she was in the UK with her relatives. Hima got her loads of Bieber merchandise haha. When Hima handled her some JB magazine she screamed like an aroused hyena and hugged her. Was playing around with my camera and quickly snapped it heh
Cow couldn't make it to have the cake so it is then all by ourselves. Hiaoyee decided to have the cake to kill time. The cake looks pretty here somehow. <--- narcissistic
Look at the thick condensed milk icing haha. Decided to spread it all over the cake as in the instructions of making the original cake but it seems like it isn't enough. Maybe because of the size of the cake. Idk. So just spread everything in between haha. Most of them couldn't accept the sweetness of the icing although the cake is really light. @@ But I ended up helping them to finish it HAHAHA.
Yihsheng who decided to wear school uniform for some reason ._.
KC joined him by wearing the school tie wtf -__-
Went to my previous form teacher for my result slip.
"Kenapa sangat teruk????" (Why so terrible)
3As. HAHA. Same as PMR wtf. Could have been worse.
Guess who decided to leave a foot print on my result slip???
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He left a foot print on my Maths result. -______-
Ok.... fuck I didn't see that coming.
Fuck the results, PARTY TIME.
Momma, SY, HY and I went to Pav right after taking our results and school magazine. Had lunch at a Japanese restaurant which I forgot and it was actually quite worth it because 3 girls shared a set meal wtf. HY has a huge appetite so she ordered her own.
Went to Snowflake later, forgot whose idea. Kept meeting formal schoolmates from SG near the escalator.
SY and I.
Momma and Hiaoyee were wearing couple tees haha
The rest of the girls didn't like the cake because of the icing :( so we asked a few boys who were there to eat as much as they could. Settled the cake at Baskin Robins.
We didn't had ice cream so therefore the spot haha.
After watching croods and disturbing the crowd as HY and I ooh-ed and ahhh at how cute is the half parrot half tiger, SY went home while all of us headed to HY's house. Watched Bobby doing new tricks she taught. Went home just before seven.
To be frank I didn't have a thought about it, I have no feelings for it. The only time I actually absorbed knowledge is during those last minute book flipping (I don't even call it revision) and during tuition lessons. I played hard, the hardest in my life. Trying to create a perfect ending for once, in my final chapter of school life.
My classmates, friends and I were the craziest kids in school-- We are no hippies, is just that the rest of the population in school are magnificently .. dull. Skipped half of sports day chilling in my house, and slowly walked to the stadium. Smuggled alcohol during school trip. During Cherating trip we woke up at 5am to jog and ran back to the hotel frantically because of one thunder storm. Skipped class and have studying sessions at momma's house but in the end spent most of the time throwing sticks and riding the swing. Brought my camera almost everyday to take pictures of the most random moments. A few pictures for my own nostalgia moments:
Jas was my favourite adventure buddy-- Skip tuition together for the tinniest reasons we wouldn't be proud of mentioning: huge desires to watch certain movies, hungry or just tired, even bored. Trespassed MBS every Thursday before going for economy tuition for heavenly cakes at the church located in the school. Also trespassed SAB for cow's school concert.... and many many more! I still vividly remember we skipped tuition to watch The Vow with cow and she laughed for at least half an hour straight after the moment she took her eyes on cow. Her fucking laughter is exteremely contagious so pathetically we walked around TS laughing until the movie started. -__- At times we forget the time and have rush hour moments to rush to the train station on time yadiyadada.
We planned the weirdest things-- like when Walter actually planned to go to the airport one day after school just for lunch and fun. Or when all of us planned to splash metalic paint in the school toilet after the toilet explosion incident during the school concert. It is kinda sad that it didn't work out for some reason because that would be really freaking stupidly awesome.
Conclusion: I didn't care about my grades as long as I pass them. English is an exception of course, MUST get A haha because that was my best subject -__- I cared more about the happy memories which nothing could replace of. Sure they might leave my life someday, but at least I had happy thoughts about my school life. Those memories make me feel more alive, because I feel myself living in every second of life. I wanna tell amazing stories to my grand kids someday HAAHAHA. -__-
Soooooooooooo seeing that I only put efforts in my maths I don't expect anything astonishing.
SY fetched momma and I to school. We were early but had some fun while waiting in the car as the stupid school decides to delay announcing the results.
KC joined him by wearing the school tie wtf -__-
Went to my previous form teacher for my result slip.
"Kenapa sangat teruk????" (Why so terrible)
3As. HAHA. Same as PMR wtf. Could have been worse.
Guess who decided to leave a foot print on my result slip???
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Ok.... fuck I didn't see that coming.
Fuck the results, PARTY TIME.
Momma, SY, HY and I went to Pav right after taking our results and school magazine. Had lunch at a Japanese restaurant which I forgot and it was actually quite worth it because 3 girls shared a set meal wtf. HY has a huge appetite so she ordered her own.
Went to Snowflake later, forgot whose idea. Kept meeting formal schoolmates from SG near the escalator.
The rest of the girls didn't like the cake because of the icing :( so we asked a few boys who were there to eat as much as they could. Settled the cake at Baskin Robins.
After watching croods and disturbing the crowd as HY and I ooh-ed and ahhh at how cute is the half parrot half tiger, SY went home while all of us headed to HY's house. Watched Bobby doing new tricks she taught. Went home just before seven.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Behind the scenes-- the making of le cow's 18th birthday.
Stupid me took 2 days to realize that I accidentally posted this draft -__-
Two weeks ago:
Realized that I did not prepare anything for cow's birthday. But at the same time I was confused because he kept telling me that he doesn't like people to celebrate his birthday, yet he told me at least 2 times that he wished I could celebrate him and give him a good surprise.
Couldn't make out my mind what to give. Stupid cow doesn't really tells me what he likes and doesn't. I remembered that he liked Doc Martens boots but after spending so much money on it I wouldn't have enough to pay for my upcoming set of health tests. Momma suggested baking a cake/bunch of cupcakes. That would be a good idea, I thought, because he used to bake for me a lot :D
The first moo's bake: chocolate cake..
Then Nutella cake with almond bits :D
Oreo cheesecake! Had this for a few times hee <3
Nutella cheesecake is also one of my favourites. No picture because pictures from phone camera will ruin this whole row of lip smacking cakes :X
And my favourite of all-- mint chocolate cake. He accidenatlly burnt the chocolate but turns out it gave the curst a very crispy texture :3 mmhmmmm I really miss this >.>
Chosen le ultimate Milo cake from rasberricupcakes. I really like what she bakes and really wanna try it someday, and this seems like a good chance to do so. Plus, the fact that cow loves Milo would add me some plus points. >.<
I have never baked in my life :X Parents had no interest, no oven at home before that, currently I have a microwave oven but I have no idea how to use it as there is no temperature adjustments or any button related to baking and mom threw the oven a million years ago.
But thankfully I have friends who are really kind and helpful <3 Momma and Shinyi both offered me to go to their house to bake if I want to. I wanted to go to momma's place but because of her cranky mom and I don't wanna risk losing the opportunity for her to go out so I chose Shinyi's place instead, since both her and her mom are really, really free people as I am. @__@
18/3 :
Momma couldn't go to SY's house because she had a mock driving test and later she needs to have a college tour with mom -__-
So I will be alone with SY. Awkward, because I am not close to her, but no choice :X
In the morning I went to school first, as SY wanted to take her school entrance deposit. I also need to take my curricular activities record and some MUN certs I have no idea my mom gave to the school. (Praise the Lord, I lost the original ones at home)
Saw my form teacher for 2 years, Cik Rida <3 She gave both of us a hug before rushing to class. Oh, and also king of troll, Mahzar. Oh those days, when he asked if I am pregnant whenever I enter to his class after seeing the chiropractic doctor. -_______-
Went to Taman Midah later for some freaking awesome pork balls and mee and some bakery ingredient store as I can't find half of the ingredients at the supermarket otw to LRT.
Back to Gita Bayu residences... and I shall put some pig magic on whipping an edible cake......
Had SY's maid to supervise the process so I won't burn down their kitchen.
The table was big enough so no mess. HAHA
Followed the insturctions very carefully. Things were going well... the clumsiness did not affect the whole process I think.
Until after I added the buttermilk.
The mixture turned watery instead of thick. Not sure where did I go wrong.... but oh there goes nothing... off to the oven, I really need to try my very best to work it out.
After 40 minutes of baking, the maid shouted from downstairs:
" YOUR CAKE IS SUCCESSFUL... I THINK...!!!!!"
Skeptically went down and to my shock...
This is what it is actually like, removed from the tin.
-cricket noises-
Then everyone burst into laughter after few seconds of shock.
I panicked a bit but I was really sure that I have to do it again. I won't buy work from someone else on his birthday. His 18th birthday. His first birthday I could celebrate after 10 years.
After much persuasion from SY and her maid... decide to use the cheat way.Still handmade...at least.....
Used a sponge cake mix, and added milo to the mixture.
Decided to try the condensed milk icing mentioned on the post.
What she said was really true: IT IS FUCKING GOOD.
I went ooh, ahh, ooooohhhhh, laaaaaaaaaaaa for around 5 mins skipping around the kitchen and even licked the mixer clean. It is like icing from icing god. I really can't give a good description, you REALLY have to try it out.
While waited for it to bake, I ate a quarter of a pint of ice cream the family has abandoned.
Made the ganache and it surprisingly turned out successful, after waiting aimlessly for half an hour.
The cake was kinda ugly at first sight because of the dark chocolate I used. It is close to black @_@ Black cake for black cow, hah. @_@ So I added some dcorations I can find in the kitchen.
You really can't go wrong with sprinkles. :D
Could have just uploaded this picture because it looks so dreamy o.o It was an impromtu edit on my phone.
I am done with telling the whole world that I can't bake (yet!!!!) Bye.
Two weeks ago:
Realized that I did not prepare anything for cow's birthday. But at the same time I was confused because he kept telling me that he doesn't like people to celebrate his birthday, yet he told me at least 2 times that he wished I could celebrate him and give him a good surprise.
Couldn't make out my mind what to give. Stupid cow doesn't really tells me what he likes and doesn't. I remembered that he liked Doc Martens boots but after spending so much money on it I wouldn't have enough to pay for my upcoming set of health tests. Momma suggested baking a cake/bunch of cupcakes. That would be a good idea, I thought, because he used to bake for me a lot :D
Nutella cheesecake is also one of my favourites. No picture because pictures from phone camera will ruin this whole row of lip smacking cakes :X
Chosen le ultimate Milo cake from rasberricupcakes. I really like what she bakes and really wanna try it someday, and this seems like a good chance to do so. Plus, the fact that cow loves Milo would add me some plus points. >.<
I have never baked in my life :X Parents had no interest, no oven at home before that, currently I have a microwave oven but I have no idea how to use it as there is no temperature adjustments or any button related to baking and mom threw the oven a million years ago.
But thankfully I have friends who are really kind and helpful <3 Momma and Shinyi both offered me to go to their house to bake if I want to. I wanted to go to momma's place but because of her cranky mom and I don't wanna risk losing the opportunity for her to go out so I chose Shinyi's place instead, since both her and her mom are really, really free people as I am. @__@
18/3 :
Momma couldn't go to SY's house because she had a mock driving test and later she needs to have a college tour with mom -__-
So I will be alone with SY. Awkward, because I am not close to her, but no choice :X
In the morning I went to school first, as SY wanted to take her school entrance deposit. I also need to take my curricular activities record and some MUN certs I have no idea my mom gave to the school. (Praise the Lord, I lost the original ones at home)
Saw my form teacher for 2 years, Cik Rida <3 She gave both of us a hug before rushing to class. Oh, and also king of troll, Mahzar. Oh those days, when he asked if I am pregnant whenever I enter to his class after seeing the chiropractic doctor. -_______-
Went to Taman Midah later for some freaking awesome pork balls and mee and some bakery ingredient store as I can't find half of the ingredients at the supermarket otw to LRT.
Back to Gita Bayu residences... and I shall put some pig magic on whipping an edible cake......
Had SY's maid to supervise the process so I won't burn down their kitchen.
The table was big enough so no mess. HAHA
Followed the insturctions very carefully. Things were going well... the clumsiness did not affect the whole process I think.
Until after I added the buttermilk.
The mixture turned watery instead of thick. Not sure where did I go wrong.... but oh there goes nothing... off to the oven, I really need to try my very best to work it out.
After 40 minutes of baking, the maid shouted from downstairs:
" YOUR CAKE IS SUCCESSFUL... I THINK...!!!!!"
Skeptically went down and to my shock...
What. The. Fuck? It looked more like a pie than a cake O__O everyone was so trilled because it actually "looked nice", especially after topping the cake with cream and berries. However, reality sinks in....
This is what it is actually like, removed from the tin.
-cricket noises-
Then everyone burst into laughter after few seconds of shock.
I panicked a bit but I was really sure that I have to do it again. I won't buy work from someone else on his birthday. His 18th birthday. His first birthday I could celebrate after 10 years.
After much persuasion from SY and her maid... decide to use the cheat way.Still handmade...at least.....
Used a sponge cake mix, and added milo to the mixture.
Decided to try the condensed milk icing mentioned on the post.
What she said was really true: IT IS FUCKING GOOD.
I went ooh, ahh, ooooohhhhh, laaaaaaaaaaaa for around 5 mins skipping around the kitchen and even licked the mixer clean. It is like icing from icing god. I really can't give a good description, you REALLY have to try it out.
While waited for it to bake, I ate a quarter of a pint of ice cream the family has abandoned.
Made the ganache and it surprisingly turned out successful, after waiting aimlessly for half an hour.
The cake was kinda ugly at first sight because of the dark chocolate I used. It is close to black @_@ Black cake for black cow, hah. @_@ So I added some dcorations I can find in the kitchen.
You really can't go wrong with sprinkles. :D
Could have just uploaded this picture because it looks so dreamy o.o It was an impromtu edit on my phone.
I am done with telling the whole world that I can't bake (yet!!!!) Bye.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Obtuse
Rants will come later. Yesterday I had a usual outing with the bull. Lunch at Papa John's again. Movie session again. Watched Oz blablablabla the movie. Anything from Disney won't fail you most of the time. Shatter all horny men's dreams as you get to see Mila Kunis transform into an ugly wicked witch hhahaha.
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Ever since the day I started to lose the glitz and glamour in my life I started to have thoughts like this:
While facing adversity, sure, it is hard to see the sunshine behind the clouds. However you have two choices: Face it positively or otherwise.
To face it negatively is plain simple: BITCH BITCH AND BITCH. SULK SULK AND SULK ( keep typing suck for some reason. -_- ) WHINE WHINE AND WHINE. Period.
To face it with positively you gotta have your hopes high, and your heart and soul ignited with consistent motivation. There is another alternative which I won't recommend at all is making up stories to yourself to feel better. Then slowly, you shift your current location from earth to your imagination/fantasy/whatever the fuck you wanna name it.
Personally I choose neither of the options above.
I choose to face it REALISTICALLY.
Salute the efficiency of the government servants. Not only I received this pile of fuck 16 days to camp starts but also this letter was sent out on the 22nd February this year. -___-
Work ethics of a sloth.
But that isn't the main point---
The main point is how much I hate talking to my family members now.
Ever since the day I was told of the existance of national service, I despise it and I refuse to go. As the years go by, I added more reasons as I have different thoughts and needs. Reasons are listed below:
1. On how much it is against my liking -- I am not an outdoor person. I hate the forest, it is so humid and dirty. I am terrified of insects. I don't like outdoor activities.
2. Many cases of death. I know that we can die anytime in any way but I can choose not to die there. Truthfully, I am not a patriotic person -___-
3. Health woes-- All these years I have this weird thing: If the weather is too hot I will feel nauseous. .___. No idea why .____. I don't even know what is going on, all I know is that it sucks every time when I am under the sun. -___- Oh, the irony. I am born in a tropical country wtf is this sorcery. Furthermore, I have arthritis. Already feel pain even if I stay at home for a day don't talk about climbing here and there like a chimp for 3 months.
4. Delays college entrance = delaying graduation and delaying the start of working.
5. Is not fair that this doesn't involve everyone. There are rumors going around that students who are inactive in co-curricular activities will be secretly chosen by teachers. Some say otherwise. Some people say that among the children in the family, one of them will be randomly selected while the only child will definitely be chosen. I don't know, I don't give a fuck. If this involves everyone in my age then I have no say.
6. Now, if I don't go to college I need to work. Sure you get money for being in national service but the amount they pay you are equivalent to bird droppings. Only 18, not even officially 18 and I have medical bills to pay. Soon, I would need to seek treatment and probably physiotherapy. Government hospitals are not free for those non government school (previous) students. -___- No one is going to pay for me, so yeah I am the only person whom I can depend on, financially.
7. National service is not the only place where I can learn how to mix with other races, be a team player, disciplined blablabla. I believe I have taught myself much better than what they offer. No, going to NS does not give you any higher chance of entering universities abroad. Our NS isn't internationally recognized and furthermore, this isn't even part of their requirement in the first place.
"Let's just face it, everybody is doing so, am I right or what?" Followed by my sarcastic giggle.
Dad got pissed off and hung up.
Both of my parents asked me why can't I obey the rules like my cousin and obediently go to NS?
They must have forgotten that the one and only reason why cousin went to NS is because her parents said they will give her an I-pad if she goes. (Sad for her, the I-pad 2 launched 2 days after she got her I-pad. LOL)
This afternoon my cousin called and asked if I am going for NS, and why am I not going.
Conclusion: Talking to my family members has became a fucking waste of time.
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Ever since the day I started to lose the glitz and glamour in my life I started to have thoughts like this:
While facing adversity, sure, it is hard to see the sunshine behind the clouds. However you have two choices: Face it positively or otherwise.
To face it negatively is plain simple: BITCH BITCH AND BITCH. SULK SULK AND SULK ( keep typing suck for some reason. -_- ) WHINE WHINE AND WHINE. Period.
To face it with positively you gotta have your hopes high, and your heart and soul ignited with consistent motivation. There is another alternative which I won't recommend at all is making up stories to yourself to feel better. Then slowly, you shift your current location from earth to your imagination/fantasy/whatever the fuck you wanna name it.
Personally I choose neither of the options above.
I choose to face it REALISTICALLY.
re·al·is·tic
Adjective
|
Many bad incidents will have a good side after the bad has past, but some..... simply hopeless.
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Three days ago mom said that I have a post draft, and she will collect whatever is it for me when she is free.
Day before yesterday, I recieved fucking this pile of shit--
Salute the efficiency of the government servants. Not only I received this pile of fuck 16 days to camp starts but also this letter was sent out on the 22nd February this year. -___-
Work ethics of a sloth.
But that isn't the main point---
The main point is how much I hate talking to my family members now.
Ever since the day I was told of the existance of national service, I despise it and I refuse to go. As the years go by, I added more reasons as I have different thoughts and needs. Reasons are listed below:
1. On how much it is against my liking -- I am not an outdoor person. I hate the forest, it is so humid and dirty. I am terrified of insects. I don't like outdoor activities.
2. Many cases of death. I know that we can die anytime in any way but I can choose not to die there. Truthfully, I am not a patriotic person -___-
3. Health woes-- All these years I have this weird thing: If the weather is too hot I will feel nauseous. .___. No idea why .____. I don't even know what is going on, all I know is that it sucks every time when I am under the sun. -___- Oh, the irony. I am born in a tropical country wtf is this sorcery. Furthermore, I have arthritis. Already feel pain even if I stay at home for a day don't talk about climbing here and there like a chimp for 3 months.
4. Delays college entrance = delaying graduation and delaying the start of working.
5. Is not fair that this doesn't involve everyone. There are rumors going around that students who are inactive in co-curricular activities will be secretly chosen by teachers. Some say otherwise. Some people say that among the children in the family, one of them will be randomly selected while the only child will definitely be chosen. I don't know, I don't give a fuck. If this involves everyone in my age then I have no say.
6. Now, if I don't go to college I need to work. Sure you get money for being in national service but the amount they pay you are equivalent to bird droppings. Only 18, not even officially 18 and I have medical bills to pay. Soon, I would need to seek treatment and probably physiotherapy. Government hospitals are not free for those non government school (previous) students. -___- No one is going to pay for me, so yeah I am the only person whom I can depend on, financially.
7. National service is not the only place where I can learn how to mix with other races, be a team player, disciplined blablabla. I believe I have taught myself much better than what they offer. No, going to NS does not give you any higher chance of entering universities abroad. Our NS isn't internationally recognized and furthermore, this isn't even part of their requirement in the first place.
8. My maths tutor almost became a national service trainer. Why did he reject the offer? He said that almost all the male trainers molest the girls/sexually harass them in some way, whether direct or indirect. The girls cannot do anything because the supervisor also do the same! They will twist their words and in the end there is no conclusion to anything.
Before any of those fuckities happened I always tell mom those reasons of why I refused to go whenever she brings this topic up. I gave the same reasons to my aunt too. On the first day I met my dad I also told him the exact same reasons.
Yesterday my dad called and asked about the mail from NS. I told him that I called the office and told them my appointment with the rheumatologist is A DAY after the departure date and this is the only date the hospital could give me, my original date was 1st of May. -__- The lady told me that I don't have to go on that day first until I settled the delay documents/medical report blablabla.
Dad asked me to ask mom to send me to the hospital today with the letter and ask them to give me another date, since the nurse would have thought that I was bullshitting.
Why do that? I thought. Last month they already told me that the rheumatologist available dates are full and I only have 2 dates to choose from. NS is no bullshit, I would need to bring the documents the next time I go there anyway. Also, it is a very selfish act as it is completely unfair for those who had made the appointment earlier and since seeing a rheumatologist is no joke, I believe that there are people who need to see the doc more urgently than I do. After all, I am excused to wait. Time may not excuse them to..
I told my dad the above sentences and he said I have to. Again, I repeated myself that I am excused since I am going to hand in documents later. Also, if possible I do want to avoid. This is what everybody knows (or should I say, used to know.)
Then my dad asked if I don't wanna go because cow is not going. He even called him black guy, like my mom.
(If you have not been reading my past posts...FYI, dad is racist. He dislikes black people and any race from the Middle East)
Then my dad asked if I don't wanna go because cow is not going. He even called him black guy, like my mom.
(If you have not been reading my past posts...FYI, dad is racist. He dislikes black people and any race from the Middle East)
One brain nerve snapped and I muttered, "Forget it."
I was really, really close of hanging up abruptly. -__-
There goes my dad again, calling me stupid for not being able to communicate with mom so she could make me go college.
Fucking pathetic dreamers. Not like he has never dealt with her in this way before. If not, they wouldn't get a divorce in the first place.
No dad, I am not negative. I am being realistic here that being the most stubborn person on earth, she means what she says. She gets whatever she wants and will do whatever to reach it. She will get away from the bad, while we cannot.
Dad later asked: "Can you just stop focusing on fighting for your own rights?"
Dad got pissed off and hung up.
Both of my parents asked me why can't I obey the rules like my cousin and obediently go to NS?
They must have forgotten that the one and only reason why cousin went to NS is because her parents said they will give her an I-pad if she goes. (Sad for her, the I-pad 2 launched 2 days after she got her I-pad. LOL)
This afternoon my cousin called and asked if I am going for NS, and why am I not going.
Conclusion: Talking to my family members has became a fucking waste of time.
I think there really is a possibility that stupidity, ignorance and obtuse characteristics are genetic. -sigh-
Am I right or what? People should really wake the fuck up and stop being delusional. -____-
Monday, March 11, 2013
angst.
I tried to wait for something happy to blog about but I failed. I shall give back a little piece of what life gives me here.
So this evening I called the.... juris contact. Better known as NUR hotline. I just feel so juvenile to say that it is actually a child services line for people below 18 years old, mostly for reporting child abuse and sexual harassment but they do also provide other services like counselling.
My family now thinks that I am a selfish, immature love sicked dumb fuck. All thanks to the lies my mom convinced herself to live in. My friends don't understand simply because... they live a normal, simple life, which is in fact, isn't a choice of life. This was actually suggested by the bull. I know that chances are the social workers are going to fall into the category of the ordinary (the main reason of not calling earlier) but there is no one out there who can help. It is a toll free helpline so... why not give it a try?
As I reached the hotline I was greeted in Malay.
Holy shit, I thought to myself.
Being considered multilingual myself and most of the people here tend to have imbalanced mastery of the language. Some are only good at communicating while some are only good in flawless, beautiful writing but when it comes to talking is all just... as blunt as dinosaur rawrs.
Like most non malays I can't speak proper malay. I can write well, but I speak with a horrible uneducated accent with hints of chinese slangs. (lah, meh, lor etc) It is almost impossible to speak in a full sentence of malay words, unless the malay word is the same as english. -___-
But yet, I still managed to tell every necessary part of the story, as the obviously mind fucked counselor heavily responded with uhummmm and uhuhhhhs.
I truly appreciate her for listening to me speaking in her mother tongue, half fucked. Also, I am glad that she did not judge me based on having a boyfriend at a "young age" , or giving me that biased lecture on why we kids should listen to adults yadiyadadada.
However, as expected, I didn't get a proper answer for anything.
I don't blame her though. She is mostly seeing my mom being the same as average moms. This is definitely something new to her, stranger than the abuse cases she receives.
She did got one and only thing right-- The main source of the problem is communication error between both of us.
Like many have suggested she asked me to sit down and talk to her.
I just told her, "Yeah sure, if it works, I wouldn't call you anyway"
She then proceeded by repeating her suggestion again.
Through out the whole 45 minute conversation I am very sure that she has repeated that for at least 5 times. No shit.
In the beginning I have already emphasized that I do not want to bring this matter to any authority because:
1. Not enough of evidence from myself, and of her being financially okay as she doesn't pay taxes.
2. I am very sure that no one would be willing to be my evidence.
3. Since she was alerted by cow's mother mentioning about child services she would have prepared herself a new phase of this and convince herself and others to live in it.
4. Who the fuck is gonna pay lawyer fees???? zzzz
Instead, I asked for her opinion on what should I do, what precautions I should take, and other forms of aids available out there which I am not aware of.
She asked me to do STPM. I told her that I have been in a private high school for 5 years then she said then I can't do it.
She asked me to take loan from PTPTN. I told her that I wanna do pre-U and PTPTN does not give out loans for such students.
JPA? Fuck that I ain't no bright student.
Knowing that she can't do anything to give my brain a break from thinking of all these shit, I asked her one last question: IF after receiving my SPM results, I fail to get a scholarship and she refuses to pay, what can I do?
She told me to call the Ministry of Education so they could help.
....................................
*The sound wave of her words spreaded to the whole world, and the monkeys all over the globe scratched their heads profusely for the next 10 minutes or so. *
Later, she told me to talk to my previous school counselor so she could talk to my mom.
Heavens! Most golden piece of advice ever!
Cow suggested me to call again, hopefully to get another person to attend to me. Trying tomorrow morning or something.
Sometimes I really don't know if living a different life is a blessing or a curse.
So this evening I called the.... juris contact. Better known as NUR hotline. I just feel so juvenile to say that it is actually a child services line for people below 18 years old, mostly for reporting child abuse and sexual harassment but they do also provide other services like counselling.
My family now thinks that I am a selfish, immature love sicked dumb fuck. All thanks to the lies my mom convinced herself to live in. My friends don't understand simply because... they live a normal, simple life, which is in fact, isn't a choice of life. This was actually suggested by the bull. I know that chances are the social workers are going to fall into the category of the ordinary (the main reason of not calling earlier) but there is no one out there who can help. It is a toll free helpline so... why not give it a try?
As I reached the hotline I was greeted in Malay.
Holy shit, I thought to myself.
Being considered multilingual myself and most of the people here tend to have imbalanced mastery of the language. Some are only good at communicating while some are only good in flawless, beautiful writing but when it comes to talking is all just... as blunt as dinosaur rawrs.
Like most non malays I can't speak proper malay. I can write well, but I speak with a horrible uneducated accent with hints of chinese slangs. (lah, meh, lor etc) It is almost impossible to speak in a full sentence of malay words, unless the malay word is the same as english. -___-
But yet, I still managed to tell every necessary part of the story, as the obviously mind fucked counselor heavily responded with uhummmm and uhuhhhhs.
I truly appreciate her for listening to me speaking in her mother tongue, half fucked. Also, I am glad that she did not judge me based on having a boyfriend at a "young age" , or giving me that biased lecture on why we kids should listen to adults yadiyadadada.
However, as expected, I didn't get a proper answer for anything.
I don't blame her though. She is mostly seeing my mom being the same as average moms. This is definitely something new to her, stranger than the abuse cases she receives.
She did got one and only thing right-- The main source of the problem is communication error between both of us.
Like many have suggested she asked me to sit down and talk to her.
I just told her, "Yeah sure, if it works, I wouldn't call you anyway"
She then proceeded by repeating her suggestion again.
Through out the whole 45 minute conversation I am very sure that she has repeated that for at least 5 times. No shit.
In the beginning I have already emphasized that I do not want to bring this matter to any authority because:
1. Not enough of evidence from myself, and of her being financially okay as she doesn't pay taxes.
2. I am very sure that no one would be willing to be my evidence.
3. Since she was alerted by cow's mother mentioning about child services she would have prepared herself a new phase of this and convince herself and others to live in it.
4. Who the fuck is gonna pay lawyer fees???? zzzz
Instead, I asked for her opinion on what should I do, what precautions I should take, and other forms of aids available out there which I am not aware of.
She asked me to do STPM. I told her that I have been in a private high school for 5 years then she said then I can't do it.
She asked me to take loan from PTPTN. I told her that I wanna do pre-U and PTPTN does not give out loans for such students.
JPA? Fuck that I ain't no bright student.
Knowing that she can't do anything to give my brain a break from thinking of all these shit, I asked her one last question: IF after receiving my SPM results, I fail to get a scholarship and she refuses to pay, what can I do?
She told me to call the Ministry of Education so they could help.
....................................
*The sound wave of her words spreaded to the whole world, and the monkeys all over the globe scratched their heads profusely for the next 10 minutes or so. *
Later, she told me to talk to my previous school counselor so she could talk to my mom.
Heavens! Most golden piece of advice ever!
Cow suggested me to call again, hopefully to get another person to attend to me. Trying tomorrow morning or something.
Sometimes I really don't know if living a different life is a blessing or a curse.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Slice of pork
Never liked posting questionnaires but randomly found one so there you go, a bit more of me, answering useless questions to kill boredom. Get ready to see boring, monotone answers....
1 - Who was the last person you texted? Cow.
2 - When is your birthday? A day before Halloween. Think fast!
3 - Who do you want to be with right now? Cow.
4 - What sports do you play? If typing on the keyboard is considered a sport for my fingers then it shall be.
5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? COW. FREAKING COW
6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? Numb by Usher. They say life is a battlefield, I say bring it on. :) At this point it will be great if I can go numb. :)
7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? Cow. Because he would know how to survive. If everything fails and we are starving I think we would have a really competitive and good fight between life and death-- is either the cow turns to steak, or the pig turns to pork. Roasted pork. Battle of the cusines. Mhmmm.
8 - What do you feel right now? Nothing at all.
9 - What chocolate is your favourite? Normal, brown, strong milky tasting chocolate balanced with suitable amount of coaca.
10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? 1 and only. <3
11 - Why did you create a Blogspot account? Already have one since 5 years ago, but as for this blog... it was just plain boredom, and also gave in to that short, screaming urge of writing last December.
12 - Who is your favorite blogger? I am gonna add an s to bloggers. Definitely Xiaxue and Maddox. The two are sincere, real, intelligent and brutally honest. They are not afraid of speaking out their minds despite the risk of offending many. Maddox's controversy is up till the extend of being banned in Apple stores and in Dubai, UAE. O_O
13 - Where do you want to be right now? Anywhere which has pretty landscape, old buildings and weather. Like Ireland.
14 - What do you want to be in the future?
15 - When was the last time you cried? How do I even answer this? I am a pathatic whine. :(
16 - Are you happy? Shall elaborate my answers in this way:
Friends: Generally yes. Partner(cow): Yes. Family: The opposite of yes.
17 - Who do you miss? The loved one :D
18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? Yeah. I feel like the best word to describe my life is half-fucked. Everything comes and goes too fast. And I wish to live another life with a better brain, it sucks being stupid.
19 - What was the best thing you are given? Cow. The one who changed my whole life. :3
20 - Who was the last person who called you? Cow. He just hunged up and said if I don't call him back in 5 seconds we are over. -___-
21 - What is your favorite dish? ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY HAVE A FAVOURITE DISH.
22 - Who is your best friend? Jasmine/momma.
23 - What is your biggest regret? Not thinking of the future when I had the fortune.
24 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? Cow, and momma. ♥♥ It is a bit sad that all my close friends are not crazy enough to my liking :/ But they are opening up, thanks to momma :D
25 - Name someone pretty: Selena Gomez. I like her moderately sharp features, perfectly fitting her baby face.
26 - Who was the last person you hugged? Cow or momma. Not sure.
27 - What kind of music do you listen to? Anything I find addictive.
28 - Are you over your past? Depends. School life? No. I just don't understand how I offend people with just my looks without knowing anything about me. Friendship? Just a bit as right now I still feel close to Jas. I still miss my primary best friend a bit, but I know we are never ever ever getting back together. Love? Yes, definitely, as I know what I really want and I am grateful for what I have <3 No, because there will definitely be trouble at some point for a very long time, especially during the time I am really in love.
29 - Who is the last person in your contacts? God knows.
30 - What kind of person do you want to date? It is kinda difficult to answer as I am attached. But the main criteria at this moment IF I am single would be open minded, sincere, caring and should be brutally honest.
31 - Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Lately yes because mom off the wifi too early + aching scumbag joints. -___-
32 - From whom was the last text message you received? Cow, sending me the prepaid top up code.
33 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? Anything which fits me perfectly and I can wear for a long time. Most preferably discounted.
34 - How’s your heart? Beating? I am not dead yet.
35 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”? Yes.
36 - Do you like someone as of the moment? Like no. Love yes.
37 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? I hope you and your siblings could be off without your overly attached mother and someday. :)
38 - Do you have any phobias? Water, insects, dead living things.
39 - Did you try to change for a person? I never tried but only till recently for the loved one because it is for the better.
40 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? I think this suggestion should be given by the lucky receivers of my gifts... the frequency of me gifting is as frequent as a shooting star.
41 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? No. I am very happy with what I have now.
42 - Are you in a good or bad mood? None.
43 - Name someone you can’t live without: Something which gives you milk, cheese and steak.
44 - Describe your dream date: I am not a fantasy person, so let me play you the sound of my brain::
45 - Describe your dream wedding:
46 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s? -
47 - Have you ever been kissed? -__- asking the obvious.
48 - How long is your longest relationship? 1 year & 6 months.
49 - Do you regret your past? 50-50.
50 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? Yeah, if they really fucking matter.
51 - Have you ever cried over someone? If you don't, please enter a mental asylum now. :)
52 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? No. Fucks are too hard to give now these days.
53 - Are you a crybaby? When I was 7. Poor mom had to go to school 4 times a day to check on me. If not, the cow will be depended on. :D
54 - Do people praise you for your looks? Yes but I doubt that they are sincere.
55- Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t have? This is a basic phase of life, why ask?
56 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? Possibly?
57 - Do you like getting hurt? I don't like, but I am used to it and always ready to get hurt.
58 - Does anyone hate you? I don't think I can count the amount of people who hate me hahaha. Is my life that fabulous to the eyes of the haters? :3 -smirks-
59 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? His name has two Rs though.
60 - What hair color do you prefer? I want to try as many crazy colours I can before 21. After entering college(if that's even possible) gonna go for purple gradient <3 <3 <3
61 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? Only 3 things: Better body ratio, more balanced facial features, and better brains. An extra brain should be good too.
62 - Do you love someone as of the moment? *sings crazy little thing called love*
63 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? Even I am not supposed to, I automatically look down at people who have not been through such a phase and get over it because that kinda means that you do not go through life enough. :X
64 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? I had issues with... Almost everyone! MUAHAHAHA. I don't like them anyway, most of the kids in my previous school are bitter, quiet and shallow so I don't bother. -__-
65 - Can you live without internet? Only if I have more interesting things to do.
66 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? I swear this time I mean it by Mayday Parade. He shared this song to me and that was the time when I was more convinced that he is the one :3
67 - Are you good at holding back your tears? Not sure
68 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? All the time buddy.
69 - Are you a KPOP fan? <<---- HAHAH THE NUMBER. I like Bigbang. Taeyang and TOP are too hot.
71 - Do you study hard? Go on and keep trying to make me laugh my ass off.
72 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? Yes.
73 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? Nope.
74 - Have you ever ridden a boat? Yeah
75 - Did you have an accident last year? No.
76 - What kind of person are you? What? I am a pig. Oink oink oink....
77 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? In a serious sense, no.
78 - Have you ever been jealous? Sometimes.
79 - How can you prove your love to someone? Is that a question?
80 - What are you thinking right now? Fuck I have to rearrange the numbers because there was 1 question repeated and I don't want it on repeat. Ah whatever no one is gonna realize it anyway. Maybe I wouldn't too when this is posted. No dinner oh noooo, will mom pack?..... Ah my maple charatcer level is 1 hundred and fucking 4 woooooo..........(and it goes on)
81 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? Never checked
82 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? Who doesn't?
83 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel? Yes but I think I am/was just a weakling.
84 - Did you ever badmouth someone? Pretty sure everyone has. But I only do it with truths.
85 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? Isn't that part of normal human interaction? zz
86 - Do you have trust issues? Yes. The world is getting uglier by day.....
87 - Are you broken-hearted? No!
88 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? Steakkkk
89 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? Depends what is the outcome later? Or the process I've went through
90 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? Mostly yes
91 - Who do you want to marry? -oinks-
92 - Do you believe in destiny? A bit
93 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”? Yes. Like right now.
94 - How do you look right now? Sexier than ever, spicy hot in fucking old Armani tee and 3 quarter stripey leggings in hot pink and black. Oh, braless too.
95 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? No? But it all depends how was your first.
96 - Have you found your true love? Will it be too early to say yes? :X ......
97 - What should you be doing right now? Being by the cow's side should be awesome >_<
98 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends: Jon.
99 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Why not? Look at me now.
Everybody fucking lies.
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