Saturday, August 31, 2013


It is 6.14 in the morning as I am typing this right now.

You think, that after all that you have been through, it is just a tiny phase, just like the passing clouds in the sky, you see it everyday, but it is easily forgotten.

Scientists believe that it takes 14 days to adapt to a new habit.

Somehow, after so long, you find yourself isolated in this environment, no one knows what you have been through, what you have been taught. You keep telling yourself, that it is okay, after all..

you need to fucking move on.

But why, do you find yourself fighting with your feelings, wishing someone would understand every single part of you, and every single thing you know?


"If only you know what I know."

Recently, I have been mumbling these words every now and then to you.

I really hope you do know the pain and desperation inside, to tell you about the forbidden. Then again, it is better to leave you in the way you have been all this while.

On the piano, the white keys are always in between the two black keys. There is a huge gap but things are still moving in a melodious pace.

But sometimes, gaps don't do as much good to us.

Everyday has been a battle between clarity and dreams.  In the end you find yourself asking, why the hell am I here?


You know the consequences of exposing the unspeakable but the urges of pouring out grows every single day, all for the selfish desires of seeking true love. You know it really damn well.

Sometimes knowledge can also be an eternal curse, those which you must leave untold till your very last breath..


Saturday, August 10, 2013

..I don't know where should I start this.

Cow, if you're reading this, this contains some of the actual incidents which I never told you about.

We moved on fast after officially announcing that we broke up, or even far before that. You have her, and I have someone else.

Here's a bit of details of my new beau. He's 23, yeap, a 5 year old age gap. (shit?) He came to my workplace on my 3rd day working at Lowyat and politely for my number. I had people asking for my number every single day but I didn't turn him down cause he seemed like the most decent guy who works here whaaaat. Afterall, considering what kind of a person I am, I gave him (and myself) 2 weeks before he decides it's better to leave us as the way we were like anyone else.

Things  really didn't go according to the cycle. I went to his workplace at least few times a day when we were both bored and chat/talk crap. Strange enough, we poured out intimate things you don't share to people you just met. You see, he got into a motor accident years ago and lost most of the functions of his left arm, which is now the same size as mine.  Really didn't notice till he actually pointed the difference.

5 days after knowing each other we went out together. Although things were plain (sometimes even went down to dull) , it somehow ended out with both of us confessing our liking towards each other on the way back home. The next thing I knew is we started holding hands 2 days later when I had lunch with him after another job got called off.

After 1 month of  critical thinking and consideration I decided to give it a go, seeing that you were with Sonia again. Somehow I think that she is a better lover than I am-- she knows how to comfort you and shower you love the way you wanted and most importantly she stayed by your side even though you were unavailable... For 2 years.

He's not as wealthy as anyone I have dated but he's just one normal person who I think I can rely on to explore what a normal life can and should be.

Afterall, what I posess will actually last with me? Hah...

Surely everything came naturally but up till today I am terrified about everything. We both know, that our lives are rather different than others, especially our peers. Despite his efforts on understanding me in a remarkable speed there are still things which I think are meant to be caged in my chest until I die.  Sometimes I really dont know if knowing the unknown with you is a blessing or an eternal curse. Ever since September last year the bubble between me and everyone else is still there but it didn't matter because you also knew what I know. But now that you're gone I feel logically I really can't go back to being normal no matter how hard I try. Besides you, no one could ever understand me in full. The gap between me and everyone else is just like the black and white piano keys, melodious when played together but forever apart.

Cow, believe me, leaving everything behind is the very last thing on my mind. I really thought that we could just forgive, forget and move on. I really thought your agressiveness and harshness is just a phase i can go by. Who knows, that tolerance is one of the many, many ways to repay your huge sacrifices for us. But as time passes by I slowly lose hope and faith every day, every hour, and every second within the last few months. I do admit, that I've played a role in this mess. My mind, my heart and soul are very clear that should we really called it quits there goes my happiness in the future forever. But like i said a million times, one hand can't clap.... yes, I could be a weak ass but it's really soul wrecking to put yourself to blame completely for a long period of time..

Till today I am trying very hard not to think whether staying with you or the current situation would be the better choice. What's done has been done, it can't be erased, scars are left behind. I also know that if one day I start to regret, it will be until the end of this life and I'm fully responsible and totally deserve the eternal bitterness and pain, which is why I wish to keep the ring because at least I would still have something of ours I could hold on to. Right now, I guess that the love we can give each other is to wish each other well, and see if being without one another is really the best or the worst. Only time could tell.